Making green from the silver screen

I think it's necessary to point out that I bought this book out of pure fascination as a moviegoer rather than as a novice in screenwriting. The only kind of writing I'm interested in is definitely prose. After reading this book, that interest has only grown more resolute. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Ever heard of The Pacifier? How about Herbie: Fully Loaded? I'm sure you know about Night at the Museum, if only because your mother watches it all the time on the USA Network. The two screenwriters who penned those films (well, more likely they only wrote the first drafts, due to ... well, it gets complicated) decided to share their knowledge of the screenwriting process. If you want to make it big in Hollywood - and have no qualms about selling out and pulverizing any creative vision you possess - these guys have all the answers. They'll tell you how to pitch a movie idea, how to hammer out a perfect screenplay, and how to be on your best behavior as it gets shredded, cut, overstuffed, and twisted by directors, studio executives, actors, and of course other writers. By offering a clear, direct step-by-step guide on getting a movie made, Robert Ben Garant and Thomas Lennon not only reveal their own methods but also shed light on the Hollywood blockbuster-making process and the insanity thereof - which includes massive egos, office politics, and piles and piles of money.

With Garant and Lennon, you get what you pay for. Everything you need to know about this book is reflected in the title, right down to the cynically crossed-out Fun and. There is not a lot of fun to be had if you're trying to get your foot in the door as a Hollywood screenwriter, but G. and L. do their best to encourage young writers in their pursuit. As a result, a lot here comes across as more honest than cynical; although they write about the lack of culture in L.A. and mindless studio execs who leave naught but destruction in their paths, they give plenty of reasons why they love their jobs. It's telling, for example, that they'd rather gleefully write about a lunch with Jackie Chan than about why Billy Crystal is - allegedly - a "dick." They also make no apologies about the films they've written (which, incidentally, were all rewritten by other writers, which happens constantly according to this book). Obviously they're not proud of them, either; for example, they seem genuinely sad that Taxi ruined Jimmy Fallon's leading-man career. They're upfront about the mistakes they've made and more generally about the fickleness of the business they have successfully navigated. The only time they defend themselves - discussing their initial (and better-sounding) vision for their Herbie movie - is partly there to illustrate that as the writers, they have the least amount of creative control over their projects.

The goofy, casual tone all but disappears when they get down to brass-tacks, which kind of took me by surprise. The plus is that for those of you looking to make a buck as a screenwriter, congratulations - you have found your Bible. G. and L. even offer some free ideas for you to pitch to the studios and multiple examples of movie outlines. That is amazing - it's like they've already done some of your homework for you!

In the end, this is a rare, all-bones-bared look on how those big family comedies - the ones that underwhelm critics but earn disgusting amounts of money - get made. G. and L. aren't really interested in the why, but a careful reader can discern at least some things from the how. 

Rating [for serious screenwriters]: 5 In-n-Out Burgers out of 5.
Rating [for the rest of us plebeians]: 4 bad sequels out of 5.