Pride & Prejudice, ch. 18: Medley: Shall We Dance/Bad Blood/Sorry Not Sorry [part 1]

Other song titles considered for this entry were “Come A Little Bit Closer” (Mr. Collins to Lizzy), “Girls Chase Boys” (Miss Bingley re: Darcy, Lizzy re: Wickham), and “Mother, Mother” (Lizzy and Jane to Ma Bennet). 

Okay, enough stalling!

Lizzy & Wickham’s Ghost

The first thing that Lizzy discovers on entering Netherfield is that Wickham is nowhere in sight. Soulja Boy Denny informs her that Wickham decided to peace out “to avoid a certain gentleman here,” which makes Lizzy grouse for a bit and all but ignore Darcy and Bingley in indignation. I’m deducting about 15 maturity points from her, because that is an uncharacteristically petty move.

Later, Miss Bingley bears down on her with “civil disdain” to essentially rub it in her face that Wickham is of a lower class. Since Miss Bingley sneers at Wickham’s “descent” without giving Lizzy any fresh or impartial information, Lizzy finds it easy to dismiss both her fake pity and her snooty attitude. I don’t really blame her; Caroline’s motives are so transparent at this point that Lizzy wouldn’t listen to her even if she had physical proof of Wickham lying. And that whole “as a friend” aside honestly makes my skin crawl. 

Lizzy goes to Jane next, who reports from Bingley the little nugget that the living “was left to [Wickham] conditionally only.” (What did I say about getting things in writing?) Lizzy finds it easy to dismiss this too, on the grounds that the Bingleys only know what Darcy has told them and therefore cannot be impartial sources of information. It sounds like Lizzy had already made up her mind whether to believe Bingley or not, though his sister’s interference may have swayed her to be against Team Bingley. And what exactly was she hoping Bingley would say? Oh, yes, quite a funny joke, my BFF Darcy casting aside his father’s favorite because his ego couldn’t stand it. Lizzy, if you’re after a smoking gun, maybe don’t drag your sister’s boyfriend into it. Deduct another 5 points.

Lizzy & Her Family

Good news: Jingley is going strong!

Bad news: Just about everything else is going wrong. Ma Bennet talks loudly about Jane and Bingley as if their marriage is a forgone conclusion. Middle sister (sigh) Mary terrorizes the assembled guests with her stilted piano-playing, placing herself at the instrument in a presumptive manner that shows her conceit. Both are equally offensive. Pa Bennet finally chases her away with some unkind words that display his own lack of finesse and respect for others. The only bright spot of the night is Charlotte Lucas, who occasionally chats with Mr. Collins long enough for Lizzy to catch her breath and who advises her to not try to bait a man of Darcy’s stature.

They only leave once Mrs. Bennet is assured that Bingley will join them for dinner soon (while giving the distinct impression that she’d have him sign a contract with his own blood if it was socially acceptable, which it probably would be if this were the … & Zombies edition). Mrs. Bennet is happily picturing Jane running the Netherfield household and Lizzy in way-off Hunsford, in a two-down-three-to-go sort of way. She’s especially looking forward to “Jane’s marrying so greatly” that her position as Mrs. Bingley will “throw the girls into the paths of other rich men.” 

If there is an argument for how Mrs. Bennet fails as a mother, and specifically as a mother in Regency English society, this is pretty much it. She’s got the basics down (i.e., daughters must marry into money, fathers must perform social obligations, etc.) but she’s too emotionally immature to perform the role that this society expects of her. Her annoying habits—the bragging, the insistence, the carelessness—in any other society or community might be just that: annoying. But in a world where manners and good-breeding count more when you’re not rich, Mrs. Bennet’s ignorance carries more weight. I’ll return to this argument once we get to Lady Catherine de Bourgh.

Lizzy & Mr. Collins

After she shares two “dances of mortification” with the poor idiot, Mr. Collins finds out (through eavesdropping, presumably) that Darcy is Lady Catherine de Bourgh’s nephew, and persuades himself to make an introduction. Lizzy, with whom he shares this discovery, gives him some pretty solid reasons against this course of action, including that “it must belong to Mr. Darcy, the superior in consequence, to begin the acquaintance.” Mr. Collins reveals the true depths of his pretension when he states that he “consider[s] the clerical office as equal in point of dignity with the highest rank in the kingdom.” But don’t worry, he’s going to be super humble about it. This incredibly pointless and ill-judged introduction takes place as Lizzy watches in silent horror.

Not quite as bad (but still pretty dumb) is Mr. Collins’ out-of-nowhere lecture on the typical duties of a countryside clergyman. And this is where my analytical skills (such as they are) fail me, because even when looked at through Collins-logic, this speech has never made sense to me. The timing. The setting. The structure. The point. If this were being graded for a college introductory-level speech course, it would get at most a sympathetic C-minus. Now, he does make it obvious that he’s sucking up to Darcy at the end, so maybe this is the kind of speech that Lady Catherine likes (which, if true, is a point against her level of intelligence). But if this is his intention, then he fails to see just how much he misses the mark. 

Finally, Mr. Collins uses/abuses(?) the rules of dancing to “put it out of her power to dance with others.” He also tails her for the rest of the evening. (No, I won’t describe it as stalking since his intention to court her has been stated and is not out of bounds according to propriety.) Lizzy again takes comfort in Jane’s happiness, and in general keeps a mild temper. I wish I had her patience; she has enough sense not to get too worked up over a moron who claimed earlier that he “consider[s] [him]self more fitted by education and habitual study to decide on what is right” rather than a young, unmarried, sarcastic-quotes “uneducated” woman like Elizabeth Bennet. Grr.

Check back in a couple days for part 2!