Things That No One Asked For: Seth Rogen Edition
My obsession with Seth Rogen begs for me to occasionally come up with new ways to enjoy it, beyond seeing his movies and giggling in disbelief over his laughter. So here is a stupid, completely subjective take on all of his looks throughout his career and my rating of each one. Like many of his creative endeavors, this might be better enjoyed while stoned.
Freaks & Geeks: The youngest version of Rogen. Cute and nonthreatening, but grumpy and a little too sharp. One gets the sense that his voice was still figuring out which octave to drop to and how quickly. Dig those sideburns. 6/10, though my high school self would be reluctant to approach him.
Undeclared: We get a more contemporary Rogen. The glasses soften his look. I almost can’t stand those blah button-downs, though. He is more comfortable as the voice of reason, which makes him more approachable, but he’s still got that crusty outer shell. 6/10. Also, underrated show.
The 40-Year-Old Virgin: His character’s aesthetic is a whole bag of yikes for me personally, or at least it was back when I first watched this. I was not ready for that beard. His character’s openness about his lack of good looks is refreshing, but it’s his confidence that really shines. 5/10 if I was sober, 8/10 if I was looking for a one-night stand.
You, Me & Dupree: Okay, so he has like 3 scenes. But this is where he starts to soften his beard and experiment with glass frames. It’s like the point where a Pokemon starts to evolve into its next iteration. Unfortunately, the “henpecked husband” role he’s saddled with offers diminishing returns. He hasn’t taken a similar role since, a far more attractive trait. 4/10.
Superbad: That mustache, those sideburns … I wish I had control of this guy’s razor. But don’t underestimate Rogen’s earnestness, an important feature of his acting toolbox that he’s been building on since the latter half of F&G. Here, it’s part of the comedy. I will never be able to unhear “We should be guiding his cock” spoken with utter sincerity. 5/10.
Pineapple Express: Rogen demonstrates his ability to wear (and ruin) a cheap suit for laughs. If the passion Dale Denton shows for legalizing weed and outsmarting corrupt cops extends to the bedroom, I’ll be a happy camper. The curly-hair-and-stubble look is firmly established. Points deducted for dating a high schooler, but he also dumps her so maybe call it a wash. 7/10.
Zack and Miri Make A Porno: Rogen’s at his heaviest here, and I’m into it. The movie’s sex scene shows that he can play the romantic stuff straight (though he gets an assist from Elizabeth Banks). I love the layers of warm clothing on him—super cuddly. 8/10 and not just because he actually resembles the number 8.
Observe and Report: This is as off-brand as Rogen gets. He is fully convincing as an unhinged mall cop, which for the purposes of this exercise in superfluity is not good. Words cannot express how I long for his curls. 3/10, and even then it’d be hate-sex.
Funny People: This is where I start to miss the beard. Rogen is slimmer than usual and about a hundred times more adorably, dorkily vulnerable. Again with the earnestness. Seth Rogen as ingenue: it doesn’t not work. 7/10 and I for one will not sleep with his douche bag roommate before or after.
The Green Hornet: Rogen at his most conventionally attractive, which might be a reason why the movie bombed. Not everyone’s cut out to play superheroes, but everyone wants to think they are. Unfortunately, GH damages that fantasy: no one wants to see the Seth Rogen persona try to fit into a superhero-sized package. I am, however, 200% on board with Rogen wearing good quality suits and silk pj's. Yowza. His character is a drag, but I'm a sucker for a guy who looks this good in green. 7/10, with the mask on.
Take This Waltz: Dear Michelle Williams, I will happily take your chef husband off your hands so you can go be sexually adventurous with Lenny Bruce. I can cook something up in a hot, steamy kitchen with your soon-to-be ex. Did you sign the divorce papers yet? Rogen plays a domestic type, which the movie suggests is boring and stale, but my hormones aren’t picking up on that message. Sarah Polley’s wardrobe and hair team succeed in making Rogen look credibly attractive, while Rogen himself displays a quieter, more grounded take on his clueless man-child persona. And he works with his hands. 10/10. Is the ink dry yet? 11/10.
50/50: The sloppy 5 o’clock shadow and cool greens and earthy browns of his wardrobe combined with his character’s breezy confidence (which might just be a front) is a little bit of a throwback to his 40-Year-Old Virgin/Knocked Up schlub days. As always, Rogen is at his best when he’s trying his best. Don’t care for his dismissive attitude toward a one-night stand. 7/10, with a little bit of a Sam-and-Diane dynamic. Also one of his best movies, thanks in no small part to Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
This Is The End: The stubble. Those glasses. That plaid shirt. The belly. Separately, they do nothing for me. But together? *chef’s kiss* Perfection. This is Rogen uncut (obligatory snicker) and it’s his best look: Iconic. Which is the point of this movie. 10/10.
Guilt Trip: You know, that other Seth Rogen movie people forget about. I’m not sold on his glasses-without-a-beard aesthetic. This is basically Rogen’s Undeclared character aged 10 years. His curls look good, but no sideburns in sight. Boo. TBH, I do respect the work he does in this movie, but the material doesn’t stand on its own. 5/10.
Neighbors: Not much variation on his TITE look, just more fuzziness with the beard. I think by this point Rogen had found a hair stylist that he trusts. You can tell he's calling the shots when it comes to his wardrobe. It's all Rogen, and that includes the hairy belly. Also proves that he's good husband material. 7/10.
The Interview: Rogen takes on the biggest challenge yet of his career: he wears a sweater vest. With confidence! See, Rogen? Good fashion doesn’t bite. And a tailored wool coat? Who are you, one of the Chrises? The between-a-rock-and-a-hard-place confidence of his “Yooouuuu LIKE it!” would win me over anyway. 8/10.
Steve Jobs: Rogen fits most of his look (while leaving most of his persona) into a role where he plays a real person. His messy hair and big nerd glasses seem, weirdly, more timeless than anything else in the movie; whether this is a pro or a con for the film overall, I can’t tell. Love the sweaters. 7/10.
The League: Great show. Rogen leans into the greasiness of Dirty Randy, a porno director who will fuck for his art. Like Zack from Zack and Miri but brimming with sexuality and absolutely no shame. 4/10, partly because I’d be too intimidated and partly because I’d have to insist he get tested first.
The Night Before: Rogen is a goober dad-to-be with a beard-to-hair ratio to match. I get Drew Carey vibes off this guy. Again, his wife is way cooler than him. But I do love that Star of David sweater. If I was Jewish, I’d know exactly what to wear to my family friend’s Christmas party. 5/10.
Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising: Notable as an example of how he uses his bodily imperfections for comical effect. His chest looks so surprised to see me! 6/10.
Friends From College: Hey, I watched it, so it’s on here. In the episode “Second Wedding,” Rogen plays a ridiculously charismatic BMoC party type who graduated from Harvard. Despite an underwhelming beard-to-hair ratio, he more or less pulls it off. Again, the sheer confidence of his character is his biggest pull. And he’s a single doctor to boot. 8/10.
The Disaster Artist: Rogen really likes playing directors. Here, he borrows his facial hair from his Superbad character and his wardrobe from his dad. But he is in a position of authority, so … 6/10.
Drunk History: In an episode, Rogen plays Victor Frankenstein (because). He has two firsts in this role: 19th-century period clothes and shoulder-length smooth hair. He pulls off about 3/4 of the look. 6/10. Also, this episode will convince you that Evan Rachel Wood is one of the most underrated actresses of her generation.
Like Father: Disclaimer: I have not watched this in full. But his wife Lauren Miller, its director, makes sure that he’s well-lit and competently dressed. One of the first roles where we see a little bit of gray in his strawberry blond-to-brown hair. I think he should have worn glasses here to add a little personality. 6/10.
Long Shot: He adapts his look from The Night Before and dials up the schlub. It looks like it's going to be another meh outing. And then—that tux! I’m into it. For the record, he looks good in hoodies too. Not a fan of the glasses, but I’ll take the windbreaker. That billy goat scruff of his frustrates me. Why am I into that? 7/10.
Seth Rogen’s 2019 Glow-Up: Honestly, that says it all. I mean, you saw that GQ spread too, right? To be fair, Gucci clothes probably make just about anybody look good—but it’s the effortless way he wears them that gives him an edge. I also very much approve of the side-sweep he’s got going on. Together with the trim beard, he’s taking the iconic parts of his look and playing with them—not erasing them. It’s like he took the studio’s version of Britt Reid and Rogenified it properly this time. I don’t know how many stylists he has, but they all deserve raises. I still miss the black-rimmed glasses though. 9/10, and I hope he feels as good as he looks if not better.
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