Anne Elliot is thirty, flirty, and "thriving": Persuasion Gets Tipsy

I drank chardonnay, ate a chocolate bar, and watched Persuasion 2022 on Netflix. The goal was to snark at the movie when it got too weird and appreciate whatever solid filmmaking choices I could find. And to look at the pretty people.

What follows is a blow-for-blow account of my observations, edited for clarity. The humor gets a bit blue, so if you’ve only read my Jane Austen close-readings, you might be surprised. This was for fun. Hating is allowed. Having an open mind is welcome.

• Enter on tinkly piano music

• “I almost got married once” my God Anne Elliot is the drunk single aunt at Thanksgiving

• Omg this piano beat—is Lin-Manuel Miranda about to drop a rhyming verse?

• Richard E. Grant: sublime

• Anne (sighs) ok I like this—I felt the weight of her emotions with that sigh

• Oh so the family hates her instead of just ignoring her

• Repossessing the expensive furniture just like the beginning of Schitt$ Creek—only this is one rich family that isn’t going to self-actualize

• Is that Matt Smith in old person make-up?

• Lady Russell gets to look at the fourth wall too? Ok I like this [update: only time she does it, so never mind]

• Lady R giving Sir Walter the truth using blunt force her skills of ~persuasion~

• Anne preaches about responsibility and no one cares. Including me

• This dress matches Dakota’s eyes SO WELL

• Ooooh, Lady R dismissing Anne’s feelings … (this music is so modern) … ok we’re not doing subtlety. “Transactional” marriage … wait, lady R just took responsibility for her part in it? Shit did that happen in the book? [update: and yet we learn that she genuinely misses her dead husband … sounds like her marriage wasn’t so transactional]

• Oh hi Anne … guessing at Wentworth’s feelings—oh God they’re doing Harriet’s keepsake box?!? Also she collects newspaper clippings about him? Like following his socials, I guess?

• Penelope Clay is a gossipy plump redhead (AND they gave her the “5/10” line). Did they smuggle her character in from Bridgerton?

• Elbows off the table, Anne

• nice bit of visual humor with the Sir Walter oil painting carried out behind Sir Walter

• Mrs. Croft: “A woman without a husband is not a problem to be solved” … in 2022. In 1810s, it sort of was? Like, that’s why all of Jane Austen’s heroines end up married? (also this would mean more coming from a single woman ………?)

• All this guessing about how Wentworth feels about Anne doesn’t exactly build the tension

• Gotta love the location name SPREAD ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE SCREEN like we’re watching Captain America: Civil War

• there’s a pet rabbit

• Anne calls her sister a “narcissist” ugh

• why isn’t all this being shown? Take a break from talking and show me something.

• Mary’s actress looks breathtakingly young. I like her line delivery about the flowers. This is showing, not telling.

• We get it Anne, you’re spunky and not like the other girls

• The Musgrove sisters are cute as fuck

• Wentworth saved a beached whale. Because the British navy was totally championing animal rights in the 1810s

• The late 2000s Zoey Deschanel hair-half-up ’do: cute, but distracting

• Mary self-identifies as an “empath” … at least the sister dynamic is accurate

• Wait Anne can see Wentworth from the bedroom window? Is this a dream sequence? Oops there goes the cranberry sauce and—

• that’s the first time we see Cap. Wentworth? The man she’s pined after for a decade? What a half-baked introduction! Don’t you want me to swoon, movie?

• OH NO Anne stop playacting with a jam mustache! Oh this is cringe comedy now “your hair remains intact”? what is this dialogue? 

• Louisa as matchmaker kinda works … shut up it’s cute I like it

• this is a good scene of musical chairs & with slightly more period-appropriate scoring—does more to illustrate how people push aside/forget about Anne

• Wentworth being as subtle as Anne with a jam mustache … “Quite the upgrade from whoever wanted to sit next to me” jeSUS

• Anne’s refusal made Wentworth … suicidal? I don’t know how to feel about that

• Oh god Anne is word-vomiting about Charles popping the question b/c the filmmakers want more cringe comedy …

• Finally we get some melancholy vibes with the ball scene 

• … and Anne is talking to us & screaming into a pillow but her sister can hear it?? (“JUST LOVE ME”) Or she just talks out loud? Confusing!

• “No two souls were more in rhythm” oddly romantic choice of words for a movie that’s barely interested in its own romance

• The pulling-the-kid-off-her-back scene is mostly intact, but the “I’m doing my best” line sort of ruins the moment

• Anne keeps looking at us to make sure that we understand just how ridiculous Mary is and it’s like, we know … we’re watching the same thing you’re watching, Anne

• This dialogue is so modern, why not just make this a modern adaptation? They could’ve saved $ on the costumes, ornate living room settings, and carriage ride scenes.

• I approve of the decision to bring Louisa more into the story & make her, the rival, sensitive to Anne’s feelings. It’s a dynamic you don’t see often in rom-coms 

• How does Mary hear Anne reciting poetry from eight feet away when we just had a scene showing that Mary doesn’t listen to what Anne says?

• Oh please don’t lift your skirt god no …

• WOW Wentworth is right! Anne is judgmental (in her narration)! Maybe he does know her better than anyone. Call her out man! 

• … and she turns to us to moan about it, right on cue

• Now she twisted her ankle? She’s getting beat up in this movie (Christian Grey is popping a boner somewhere)

• Oh, so in the book she’s modest but in the film she’s proud. Ugh. Stop trying to make her into Elizabeth Bennet! If you want to adapt Pride & Prejudice, just adapt Pride & Prejudice!

• Carrying Mary, another effective visual gag. 

• Jumping from one location to another with no build-up at all

• “Sorry. Agamemnon joke.” we GET it Anne you’re sooooo well-educated that you just have to reference The Iliad in casual conversation no wonder she’s single

• Does everyone know about Anne’s past with Wentworth? Don’t they know that loose lips sink ships (and narrative tension)?

• Anne dispensing wisdom in a semi-rare display of sincerity. I’m too tipsy to tell if it’s believable 

• Digging the playful piano score, even if it’s still too modern

• HI HENRY OH MY OH SIR WHAT AN IMPRESSIVE TOP HAT YOU HAVE 

• Being an asshole to Wentworth to set up the love triangle. Twilight would be proud.

• “Rude gentleman” apology … ok we’re getting into Wentworth’s struggle … “Bury the past”, “I’d like to be friends” sounds too modern again!

• but I like the career path divergence that Wentworth is struggling with (dealing with his own indecision should give him some insight into Anne’s struggle in turning him down)

• So Mr. Elliot gives Anne bedroom eyes and that’s what instigates the apology from Wentworth? 

• “I know you” dialogue a little on the nose … 

• “Anticipating the needs of others”? idk she just anticipates the needs of Mary…

• In unrelated news, I’ve fallen in love with Dakota Johnson’s eyes jesus christ

• the reason the “now we’re worse than exes/we’re strangers” line falls flat is that it comes after Wentworth gives this heartfelt speech about Anne’s abilities and kindness and it’s like … that’s ALL you got from that, Anne? THAT’S your big takeaway? So you just gonna stay bitter?

• Going out into the sea in a heavy dress—very calm, rational, period-appropriate choice

• HI HENRY uM “my intentions were construed most accurately” yes good

• Anne’s mojo is back bay-BEE

• “You must hate him for all the embarrassment he’s caused your family”/“Actually so far it’s his most winning quality” ah yes from the kind-hearted, grounded, gentle Anne

• Here comes the fall y’all! Oh that smack hurts. Everyone should be running around a bit more … “capable, perfect Anne” … Wentworth gives Mary shit … you know, at least he and Anne talk to each other like grown-ups now and I can get invested in their relationship

• I was not missing the fourth wall scenes 

• Lady R reappears. I wish she had more scenes. I will not apologize for liking their friendship. But “European tours” made me scream

• “Anyone that attractive must have an angle.” The real reason why she didn’t marry Wentworth: 2 cute 2 B 4 real

• “I never trust a 10” AGAIN with the number rating

• Ok 40 minutes left and the plot is still … plotful

• Elizabeth knows Anne hates her, like of course they have a bad relationship. 

• OH HI HENRY YOU’RE LOOKING ROGUISH CAN I SNUGGLE INTO YOUR CRAVAT—

• Don’t give me that look Anne. I didn’t invite him.

• o-KAY he’s super transparent about his motives, sharing his concern about Penelope with Anne (he knows she’s secretly Lady Whistledown) … and now he’s calling her “gentle” too? When has he seen her act gently? Anyway she’s kinda falling for it

• Presenting Richard E. “I’m experiencing joy” Grant

• I’m going to say it: Anne is a huge downer in this breakfast scene and I kind of get why they don’t like her  She’s raining on their parade. It’s hard to be sympathetic to Anne’s struggles with her fam when she contributes to the friction. Maybe if you stopped acting like you’re not like the other girls, Anne … 

• “A giant octopus is sucking my face” dream description is actually the dumbest line. I will happily take “We’re exes” and “5 in London/10 in Bath” over this disastrous dialogue any day

• Hey you got tentacle porn in my Jane Austen! Offense TAKEN. That’s RUDE

• Henry is a self-identified villain and Anne is attracted to this and like … I’d rather spend time with this character instead of pretending she’s Anne Elliot.

• oooh Anne hasn’t forgiven Lady R? But we’re not going to explore that?

• “Louisa and her captain” classic rom-com miscommunication but not the worst decision this movie could make … still not feeling the romance, which is the bigger issue 

• crying in bathtub: “my quiet dignity”? I guess Anne’s not counting all the times she insisted on babbling like an imbecile; “statues would be erected in my name” see there’s that pride of hers! But okay, it might be sarcasm, b/c this Anne is notoriously sarcastic

• Oh hey umbrella scene I didn’t think I’d see you! OH HENRY YOU’RE SO FINE—

• Wait … no actual umbrella? Darn. 

• Oh at the concert it looks like Wentworth & Anne are on a date instead of Elliot & Anne? 

• “My Anne” OH HENRY STOP. Wait you mentioned something about a wedding—

• Oh yeah sure just get up and leave in the middle of the performance that’s totally not impulsive or rude 

• HENRY GOLDING IS A GOOD RAKE, I wish they’d given him more screen time

• We have to stop the scene so Anne can object to being called a “beautiful creature” b/c fEMinIsM (also he’s treated her respectfully this whole time, but we gotta make sure the audience doesn’t root for him so goodbye characterization)

• Rabbit update: still alive

• “It’s made me realize how important it is to spend time away from one’s children” is gold

• Don’t give me that look Anne—you don’t have kids how would you know?

• “Lyme reunion” scene: framing of Wentworth in between = good. “Loving longest” line sounds kind of forced. But wait—IT’S Cap. BENWICK that Louisa is marrying! And here’s the letter to Anne … oh yeah of course she reads it TO the camera, totally called that. 

• She wears a lot of blue in this. Not complaining.

• It’s Mr. Elliot making out with Penelope??? 

• RUNNING. OH THE RUNNING.

• “Quietly Yours” by Birdy plays because why not?

• This should have been more romantic b/c their hugging chemistry is adorable

• (Ok I don’t hate this song)

• And then they [Elliot + Penelope] get married??? Are we supposed to want this??? Can I just be happy for them and not overthink it???

• kind of sad that they didn’t use more of Lady R

• The naval metaphors are well done here—“turning ships around.” I’ll allow it

• Yes, Fanny Anne, don’t forget to look at the camera before it pans away from your happy ending

• A tight-ish 1:43! 

• But wait where’d the rabbit go? Or was it ever really thereeeeeeeeee …